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Desert Ruins (A Halloween Fic)

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Post Wed Jan 15, 2014 5:55 am

Posts: 2
Location: Here!
This isn't the final version but right now this is my Fic that I plan to upload onto Fanfiction.net during October. I need suggestions to give a horror and creepy atmosphere to optimize that creepypasta feeling!

“Come on hurry up! Get inside!” I rushed my fiance inside the old desert ruins before we closed the large stone door to keep the windy storm at bay. As the echoing sound of the stone door closing reverberated in the empty walls we sat our backs against the walls to catch our breath.
“Wow, that's a nasty sandstorm...”
“Yeah... it came out of nowhere...” My fiance, David, got up first and helped me up onto my feet before we brushed off the sand that clung to our clothing. The wailing of the wind brought out goosebumps from me since it sounded like ghosts were calling out to us. It didn't help that these ruins were infamous for having ghost type Pokemon either.
“Eh... that noise is creepy” I commented as I held my own arms and rubbed my skin in an attempt to calm that creepy feeling down.
“If you want we can head further down, probably find a more comfortable spot to camp out until the storm dies down.” He asked as he smiled towards me. I always felt safe around him and he was always level headed in situations like these... I couldn't help but to smile back and nod.
“Yeah, let's do that.”

The old yellow stone ruins were sturdy but I can tell this particular sandstorm was doing a number on it. The winds blew through thin crevices from up above and created drafts that spread throughout the entire place. As we went downstairs the winds whipped up sand and blew it all over the place. We decided to go even lower to find a place where the winds didn't reach.

Downstairs there were pits of sand that funneled down to the floor below. David walked closely by as we held hands as he leaned over to check out the weird phenomenon.
“That's weird, what do you think is making it do this?”
“I don't know, and I don't want to know” I said trying to pull him away from the moving sand. “Come on... let's get back upstairs before one of us gets hu...” Before I could finish my sentence David made one wrong step and started to sink inside the sand. I quickly held onto him with both arms as I tried to pull him back.
“Priscilla step back or you'll get sucked in too!” He said as he tried to let go. I couldn't just let him go though! My heart was racing and I was worried that the ghosts in this place were trying to take him away from me!
“No! I won't David just hold on!”
“Let go or you'll get sucked in too!” My feet began to drag uncomfortably close as I lost the tug o war. Reluctantly I let go and watched as David sunk in and scream as he fell to the floor below... only for the scream to cut off as a loud thud and crack was heard.

“David!” I shouted as I ran down the old stone steps and rushed towards him. He was holding onto his leg and groaning in pain as sand quickly piled onto him. I ran up but then hesitated as I got close, I didn't know what to do!
“My leg... it's broken... I can't move...” He struggled to say as he kept his gaze away from me. I knelt down and hugged him carefully, not even caring about the sand that seemed to fade away to the never rising ground.
“Do you think you can move if I help you? We need to get you to a hospital right away...”
“Yeah... let's try” He held onto my shoulders and stood on his one good leg, his other dangling in the air uselessly as we slowly made our way to the stairs. With every hop his hands clenched around me tightly and he cried in agony from his twisted nerves until we reached the stairs.
“Alright stop... I can't go any further...” I rested him against the stone wall before taking out a water bottle from my backpack and offering it to him. He chugged the drink and gave a satisfied sigh before looking up, his face sweaty and contorted with pain.
“You have to go find help on your own. Tell them I'm down here and can't walk when the sand storm dies...”
“David... you're bleeding” I just noticed the trail of red blood going down his leg as it soaked into the dry sand...
“Doesn't matter, I'll live. I think my leg hit one of those damn pillars...”
“I can't wait... I have to go now!”
“You'll get lost if you go out in the sandstorm like that!”
“Doesn't matter, I'll live” I repeated to him with a smile. I knew he was just being stubborn so I was being stubborn right back to him.
“Alright I can't stop you. Just be careful out there alright?” I held his hand and gave him a firm and reassuring squeeze.
“Don't worry, a Pokemon Center isn't too far south anyways. And David...”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too Priscilla” We leaned in close and gave a small kiss before I patted him on the shoulder and ran up. I had to go find help and fast, David was in a lot pain and I didn't like the idea of leaving him in the ruins all by himself with all those ghost Pokemon lurking around...

When I ran outside the wind whipped me around like a rag doll. It forced me to head in one direction but I covered my face and stood my ground. My legs planted firmly with each step as my hair and clothes whipped everywhere from the chaotic storm but I trudged on regardless. I don't know how long it took, it felt like hours and it was night time but eventually the storm calmed down just enough for me to see the Pokemon Center. With my spirits revitalized and with David on my mind I ran towards the dim glow of the windows. I slammed open the door, my body dragging sand all over the white anti septic floors of the center before I shouted.
“I need help! … my fiance he's... injured and stuck in the ruins!” The nurse turned back towards me, her face turning a tad pale from my presence I think.
“In the ruins? Then we have to hurry.” She grabbed a couple pokeballs from underneath the counter on put on a type of coat and some goggles. She threw a pair at me and rushed out the door. I was worried but now confident that we were going to get there on time. I put on the goggles and followed her, the temple being nothing more than a shadowy silhouette in the darkening night towards the distance...

It took us some time but we finally got there. The nurse clearly had some experience since she had with her a couple flashlights. She gave me one as we made our way down the dark black ruins.
“David! We're here!” I shouted as we made our way to the basement where he sat. My shouts were only met with silence which only made me panic some more. I grew worried, what if we were too late? What if a ghost grabbed him or he bled out?! The nurse noticed my growing hysteria and tried to calm me down.
“Relax... he might just be unconscious. If we find him we can save him, trust me I got some top grade healers with me.” She said as she grabbed onto her pokeballs reassuringly. I admit she calmed me down some but I was still worried...

I was in front as we walked down the final flight of stairs. Before I could turn to scan the surroundings something shocked me. I fell back as the nurse helped me up, it was a Yamask!
“Nurse! Battle it! Chase it off!” I shrieked but the nurse did nothing...
“Sweety... it's not hostile... something's wrong...” I looked back towards the Yamask and noticed its eyes. They were sad... and it was looking towards its mask. I got up and moved closer towards it... my heart racing.
“S-sorry... d-do you know where I can find David?” The Yamask looked up at me, a tear somehow leaking out of its large red eyes.
“Please... tell me! I need to find him!” The Yamask sighed... and showed me his mask. I fell onto my knees, I couldn't believe it. The nurse rushed to my side and knelt down to hold me. I tried to hold back my sobs but they came out anyways. The mask... it had David's face.
“No... no you're not... you can't be...” That was when the Yamask pointed. The nurse pointed her flashlight in the direction and that was when my heart broke into two, my whole world crashed down. The wall where David was resting by had caved in and brought in a ton of sand. And stretching out from that pile of sand was a single human arm, a hand reaching out as if trying to hold onto something....

Post Sun Jan 19, 2014 1:53 am

Posts: 1
Well more description would be nice. More mood per say. Horror is always hard to do as you have to write the picture for the reader. Giving the reader only a little will turn them off. YOu have a lot here but it just feels a bit light on mood. I know this is a draft. Yet it feels wanting more.

More of a description of where they are at the feeling they feel as they are their. Somthing for the reader to relate to.

Now this is an opinion and not to be taken seriously as I am a different type of writer. Now you could be a lot better than me and I am just blowing hot air. Either way I do wish you the best.


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